Here are my favorite quotes from Steven Wright, an American comedian famous for his one-liner:

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
• Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.